Don't Boo...


"You don't boo the stripper." Jensen frowned into his drink, regretting his partner's choice of venue for fleshing the truth from Carl DeAngelo. DeAngelo's wife's version of the truth, that is; the version that would guarantee a favorable divorce settlement and seal a nice commission for Jensen and Jensen, Private Detectives. It'll be perfect, Louise had said. Get him to a strip club. Buy him a few rounds. He'll spill his guts. Louise was probably at home right now, tucked into her favorite armchair, cracking the spine of a new mystery. Why had he chosen to go into business with Louise? Why, indeed, had he asked her to marry him?

"You lecturing me on local etiquette, Jensen? I guess you don't want my business that bad."

His cover was that of a hardware salesmen. Jensen didn't know a doorknob from a doorbell, but Louise seemed to think he could pull it off. "Nothing local about it. You just don't do it."


"Why the hell not? She ain't got nuthin' to shake, what with them thin hips and, well, let's face it, upstairs there's not much to look at neither."

Jensen gazed at the stripper, practically a child. She could be his daughter--the daughter he'd lost when...He narrowed his eyes, studied the girl's face. Could it be?

"I could do a better job than her." Carl stood. "You boys think so?" He put his hands in the air and gyrated his hips.

The girl's face fell. She stopped dancing. "Alright, asshole," she shouted. "Come on up and see what it's like to strip in front you morons. Your wives know what you're up to tonight?"

A moment of silence followed by uneasy laughter.

"I quit."

"I guess I'm up." Carl leapt onto the stage vacated by the stripper and began dancing.

Jensen tossed a hundred on the table and went in search of the girl that just might be his daughter.

It had been three years.

He wasn't quite ready to give up.


~

This was written for this week's Trifecta Writing Challenge: 33 - 333 words, third definition of "Boo."


Labels: , ,

Writing in the Margins, Bursting at the Seams: Don't Boo...

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Don't Boo...


"You don't boo the stripper." Jensen frowned into his drink, regretting his partner's choice of venue for fleshing the truth from Carl DeAngelo. DeAngelo's wife's version of the truth, that is; the version that would guarantee a favorable divorce settlement and seal a nice commission for Jensen and Jensen, Private Detectives. It'll be perfect, Louise had said. Get him to a strip club. Buy him a few rounds. He'll spill his guts. Louise was probably at home right now, tucked into her favorite armchair, cracking the spine of a new mystery. Why had he chosen to go into business with Louise? Why, indeed, had he asked her to marry him?

"You lecturing me on local etiquette, Jensen? I guess you don't want my business that bad."

His cover was that of a hardware salesmen. Jensen didn't know a doorknob from a doorbell, but Louise seemed to think he could pull it off. "Nothing local about it. You just don't do it."


"Why the hell not? She ain't got nuthin' to shake, what with them thin hips and, well, let's face it, upstairs there's not much to look at neither."

Jensen gazed at the stripper, practically a child. She could be his daughter--the daughter he'd lost when...He narrowed his eyes, studied the girl's face. Could it be?

"I could do a better job than her." Carl stood. "You boys think so?" He put his hands in the air and gyrated his hips.

The girl's face fell. She stopped dancing. "Alright, asshole," she shouted. "Come on up and see what it's like to strip in front you morons. Your wives know what you're up to tonight?"

A moment of silence followed by uneasy laughter.

"I quit."

"I guess I'm up." Carl leapt onto the stage vacated by the stripper and began dancing.

Jensen tossed a hundred on the table and went in search of the girl that just might be his daughter.

It had been three years.

He wasn't quite ready to give up.


~

This was written for this week's Trifecta Writing Challenge: 33 - 333 words, third definition of "Boo."


Labels: , ,

6 Comments:

At October 30, 2013 at 8:10 PM , Anonymous Scriptor Obscura said...

This is really good. I wanna know more about how he lost his daughter, how they drifted apart. Great start to a story that could be a lot longer.

 
At October 31, 2013 at 7:01 AM , Blogger Ruby Manchanda said...

Great piece

 
At October 31, 2013 at 8:53 AM , Blogger kymm said...

Wow. Someone is obsessed! And unhappy. Great story, Kelly!

 
At October 31, 2013 at 9:13 AM , OpenID lindavernon said...

I admire the way youseamlessly set up a huge story in your first paragraph. I love the characters in this too. There is so much going on. You accomplished so much with so few words!

 
At October 31, 2013 at 2:04 PM , Blogger Tara R. said...

What an intriguing turn. A wonderful tease (pun intended) for more of the story.

 
At October 31, 2013 at 11:26 PM , Blogger Trifecta said...

You are a master of economical word use. You've sketched out beautifully such rich detail and back-story in such a small space. Well done.

 

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